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Keywords:

• I need a dishwasher.

Comment: And maybe a life coach.

Keywords:

• ✩ Was it high me or sober me

Comment: who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer?

Keywords:

• We stole the a/c unit from a frat.

Comment: This is gonna be a great summer.

Keywords:

• They wore the Batman masks I brought.

Comment: best wedding ever.

Keywords:

• We bought a knight today.

Comment: He's in the garage, don't be alarmed.

Keywords:

• I snuck two beers in my bra.

Comment: I'm here to win.

Keywords:

• When stoned and browsing dating sites

Comment: all men sound like serial killers.

Keywords:

• I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes.

Comment: I look like a fucking lady.

Keywords:

• Don't order a $10 bottle of wine

Comment: on a 40 minute flight.

Keywords:

• Tried to dodge fire in poncho.

Comment: Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.

Keywords:

• Apparently my role this year

Comment: was the standard for drunkeness.

Keywords:

• Well who could blame her.

Comment: I'd run away from me if I could.

Keywords:

• Thanks for Riverdancing for the cops

Comment: while the rest of us ran away.

Keywords:

• The bald eagles are crying

Comment: because you're drinking Canadian beer.

Keywords:

• How did Operation Slutty Penguin go?

Comment: i asked a guy if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter